Just woke up and feeling a bit down, why?! Coz I think...

1. not enough sleep

2. I feel that I have accept the fact one of my friends that I thought was my best friend isn't anymore and that I stopped caring so much what she says

3. I feel that the guy I had a crush on for more than 2 years that he doesn't like me after seeing him last night and feeling a negative feeling from him, I don't know if its normal that guys act such a way, but there is a way they act that gives me a negative feeling... Its hard to explain, he is all friendly, funny and out-going, but I guess he's giving me the feeling that he's a bit too smooth for a moment which scares me and maybe its becoz there were males in the past that acted that certain way and they gave me negative feelings which is close to how a player acts, that is a long story, just keeping things short. Or its because I'm not used to being around him? or...........?

4. I feel By changed, maybe the change just took affect from last night, By said too tired to respond on msn and call me...which I see what is normal is that when I msn either instant reply or call me but nope that didn't happen last night...  either I'm too sensitive but perhaps that life, people change.... ironically, yes it does refer to the book Who moved my cheese that I recently read and did an essay on for school, perhaps coz I told her something I shouldn't have that triggered the change?

5. Lord, I don't want to be mad at you but I wanna ask, how come seems like you don't want me to be with my crush, how come I don't feel loved by anyone? How come I feel so left out? How come I am still single? How come??

New thought...

On the other hand, I am doing things everyday and somewhat enjoying it, but deep down I am still fat, perhaps life will be very different if I wasn't... Yes different, I can see I might be happier but there are other factors in my personality might change better or worse... but however, that is just a thought, don't know what will happen in reality until that day arrives.

New thought....

Today is Oby's birthday, maybe I should bring him out for a car ride and also get him something for his birthday! however time is ticking, its already 12:39pm and by the time I head out it will be.... and got a meeting at school later today...

New thought...

Still not sure if I want to go to badminton tonight... seems like not enough court time for so many people....

New thought....

By says don't think too much but then if you dont think then how can you be clear what is happening and reason how you should react to things, is not realizing things may have change around you a good thing?

New thought...

I googled "What is a best friend" I found a website which the writer states a good friend which I put in my own words...

1. a bf is someone that will drop everything when you are in need to talk and help

2. a bf is someone that cares about you and feels what you feel

3. a bf is someone that tries their best involving sacrificing something of their own at times to help you which you also willing to sacrifice on same levels which makes your friendship strong

4. a bf is someone that understands you and that you can tell them every single thing about your life that they also can be able to write a bibliography about

5. a bf is someone that will try their best to solve ne problems you have and walk with you

Maybe there is more that I forgot, however those a some very difficult qualities to find in a human being, but ironically, I found one of these points to apply to my dog while I brought Shylie, one of my dogs, to sleep with me last night coz just felt I needed the company. I don't know how much she really feels, but in comparison to a human, perhaps that is why they say "A dog is a man's best friend" coz the dog will wait for you to get home and then go to sleep, sometimes cry with you when you are sad or kiss you and accompany you, A dog will look like or perhaps does understand what you feeling, A dog will listen to you as long as you want to talk or its ok not to talk. Perhaps that is why God created the dog and named it dog coz maybe he meant to give the feelings that how he loved us. God is a name, the owner that loves us the most in this world, hence God is spelled backwards equallying to Dog, perhaps there is some relation of how both loves us so much yet respsecting God is not an animal but the higher of us humans, but just in thought what else more in life is guaranteed? So far I can assume only God and my Dog will be super happy all the time just to "see" me and has no expectations.

edited add in comment:

I read somewhere, it says something like,

"The one that makes you cry is not worth your tears and the one that is worth your tears will not make your cry"

In response I would like to add:

"The one that  betrays and/or lies to you is really not your best friend and the one that you are willing to be betrayed by or lied by which he or she feels the same to you, is worth being best friends with!" coz both feeling exactly the same will balance things and prevent them from happening and if either side does betray and lie to the other, he or she will feel as much or even more pain that the one being betrayed or lied to! Perhaps, not even in real romantic relationships that can happen or it only happens in dramas?!

Why did I choose blue? "blue blue blue... lalalala... have you heard that song before? just came up in my head at this second..!"maybe because I assume my crush likes the color blue and I use purple coz I like purple again which at one time I stopped liking purple coz this guy that liked me in the past which I didn't like, I found out he liked purple too! But then after so many years some time I guess the negative feeling to be the same died as I'm sure he like some other girl by now after almost 10 yrs! haha... So one day just look at purple and decided that its ok to like the color purple again as time passes by, the intensity of negative feeling lessens, well at least for most memories... Anyway back to blue, hm... why am I using blue, it is because I think my crush likes blue, but then thinking back even more, I think that my so called first bf that played me also liked blue, so does that mean that all guys that likes blue are assXXxxx? excuse my language, but that seems the most appropriate word to describe those type of guys! Anyway... yes my blog overall is very unorganized as its like thoughts are flying everywhere or a classmate described he just like puked out his thoughts for a midterm that we didn't have enough time to write! Oh yes, almost forgot, I need to thank my Heavenly Father to getting or should I say giving me or assisting me to get a B on my midterm! woah! I was kind of worried that I failed it for a second, especially I was surprised I didn't get an A in the class and hearing that some people failed! so getting a B that is 79/100 is not bad as considering an A's bottom line is 85/100, hey just 6 points away, will try harder next time! ^__^

Ok almost 2pm coming up this is nuts, sometimes I am so bored that time doesn't seem to tick! but now being on here for X time, running out of time to play or whatever... before meeting!

Re edited add in after re reading this blog....

"The moment that you find out that I know that you lied to me, which can be unknown, expect that our best friends relationship has been broken, therefore if you care about our friendship, it is best you don't lie!"

But then there is a problem to that coz you can't be certain how much the other human being cares about being how good friends with you, you can dig out his or heart to tell, even they say they care doesn't always mean what they say as humans can lie, what prevents them to lie? perhaps being Christian or what is their that stops one from lying anyway???

However humans no matter who they are will sometime critcize or have expectations of you sooner or later and that there is a huge chance, coz they are just human that can or will betray you.

How often do you hear the story that oh a dog betrayed a human! or God betrayed a human?! So far luckily I haven't!

But how often do you hear the story, my best friend betrayed me, my friend be trayed me, my sister betrayed me, my brother betrayed me, my mom betrayed me, my dad betrayed me, my "whatever in human form" betrayed me? Often in comparison to the frequency to the Dog and God. 

So how come most people are unhappy or at some point unhappy in this world? Because we are in a world infested with humans... no wonder there are only 2 things that at all times so far make me smile, which again it is back to seeing Dogs and God. Sigh, life is a fact and it is here already no matter you want it or not, there is no way out until that day you die and really get to be with God again, perhaps be so simple back to the form as he created you but that is also an external uncontrollable factor as you or me don't have the real choice to choose where we end up coz the final judgement is up to Him.

New thought..

Such a nice day out, at this moment don't feel like meeting up as I feel more like taking Oby out or doing something that can make myself less unhappy, or perhaps I have no choice and this sad feeling will eventually go away when I stop thinking about it...

New thought...

Do you ever hear a voice telling you phrases that have a deep meaning to you?

Such as last night I came up with..

"If no one loves you it doesn't matter because the most important is that you love yourself because you need to know that you are worth to be loved by yourself!"

I know, someone people might not get what I mean as its common that people say what I say or understand is very deep because the fact that I am a person that is very emotional and think a lot. Perhaps its got to do with experiencing the ups and downs in love... I'm sure there are others out there that has a much colorful life, but then no one here asked you if your life was worst or better than mine as I'm just stating a fact of me!  Okay, I'm being protective again coz I'm tired of hearing people say, ya well, its okay, I had been worse, shit no one asked and since it happens too much in my terms, I get these voices or not exactly voices but they are thoughts that I can almost hear that stupid voice responding with such annoying comments that are not useful at all.

New thought...

How to help someone that is sad? Hm... lets see, the solutions...

1. bring them out to have fun

2. make them laugh

3. be there for them

New thought...

Perhaps back to the thought that everyone got there own "shxx" to deal with, there is actually a pre set limit in me how much I can take and forgive another person. I find myself taking a lot more "shxx" from people these days than 10 yrs ago, perhaps I didn't just taking in so much that I persauded myself those "shxx" don't matter and then I explode when I really feel that someone didn't just step on my tail but cut it off!!

oH COOL, CAME up with another phrase:

"Its okay if your tail gets stepped on, but its not okay when someone attempts to or does cut off your tail!"

New thought...

Perhaps no matter how being a Christian changes me or gets older, I may never get rid of my crazy scary side of being angry, however luckily this bottom line that triggers my anger is much more tolerative than better, or ask I think of now, but then never know...

New thought...

I should get out soon, now its already 1:09pm gotta be at school by 4pm! got to eat, perhaps take Oby for a car ride as he loves sticking his head out the window and trying to be all cool and handsome hahaha... silly thought... well a stranger that was driving by did say he was cute once or actually recalling he has been praised to be cute many times in the past by strangers.

New thought...

I wonder does anyone ever read my blogs or its more just me sometimes re reading what I just write?? hm....

Interesting thought.. hahaha.....

Last note is if you whoever you are is reading this, just to let you know there is no need to comment what I write coz I'm just putting my thoughts in writing so perhaps one day I can look back to realize at the future moment in time that I have changed or not sure...  :P

Also about xanga, in the extras, why does it not have the option Currently "just bloggin" why they assume that their audience are or have to be mulitaskers!?? kind of stuxxd! maybe they will read this and change it! hee...

Just came to realization that it is true no human is perfect as we are created by God and He is the author.

Interesting though is how each person's story is being created that each person has their own problem to deal with.

Stopping to observe and listen makes one realize how their are so many stories live that are happening. Some similar or of another been there done that experience and others seem to be well I guess still another person's been there done that experience.

Reflecting upon or taking in these experiences makes one grow wiser and understand why or why not one should choose the same path or that why such path may not be the best one to choose.

In summary, there are many similar stories based on the themes of love and relationships, school and also perhaps few more others that not so much seem to be the centre of focus at this moment of life or so called time line in this life.

Just reaching out to people I know, I try to get to know them and well having not much to talk about while staying from speaking evil, leaves me be a mute wannabe! 

Relationships have various tastes such one has broken up and not sure what to do, another lost a baby and perhaps the more common is hearing the other has cheated and for myself, still stuck with the same person that I have a crush on for the past 2 years.

There in each person's life at this moment of time, each person has her own story.

Types of stories in relationships seem to evolve around, A just got married and not yet have kids and still trying to adjust to husband and wife life and thinking about a child and planning about finances, B planning to get married as the magic number 30 has or is hitting, C broke up coz the man cheated, D stuck at the point waiting for some miracle to happen and waiting for the guy to take action to make things work out or a combination.

School, the most common is people getting more education coz they not sure what they are doing now is what they really want to do so at least going to school gives hope to the future to find the right thing to do or at least what to do in life is put aside and killing sometime of the average 80 year life span humans live.

However, what makes life worth living? There is so much time, how did the people in the bible life over 1000 years?? Did they ever wonder when is it going to end and thought about dying earlier?

I remember, at one point in my life I always wanted to life forever that was when once I was so called in love and then however ironically I wanted my life to end when I was out of love.

So now I seem to be in the gray area of love, between a thin line die or not to die.

Day dreaming is not realistic but then it keeps one alive and something to look forward to, as if humans had nothing to look forward to, I don't see the point or easiness to continue to live.

The reason for so many things done may at the end be because of either love or hate or at least many things are done with these two motives.

So what would happen if I told him I loved him? perhaps what is holding me back is fear of rejection...

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